Update 8/5/2014

Update 8/5/2014

(1) New places

My father has rented a furnished apartment for me and Josef.

It looks like Michelle will be here in Hawaii for sometime. They have decided once this treatment moves to the next phase a continuation of treatment with the same team is imparative. There is no current time table but everything is moving in the direction previously discussed. She is breaking down and as the walls come down she’s forced to deal with issues long since burried.

This isn’t pretty, it hurts, it sucks and it has to happen. They are tearing down the house before they can rebuild it. The foundation needs to be rock solid and they will build a new house on top of the stronger foundation. It makes sense on paper anyway.

We drew up a guide as to what to expect. She has at times been wildly outside the expectations but overall she is right on track. As we dig through the years of muck and bandaids she’s been appearing to fall appart. Also as we expected and discussed. Except it’s harder to watch than I thought.

(2) Old wounds

Michelle and here place in the plan is the controled decent.

She is decending from her protected perch. The bandaids one by one are being stripped and the wound still bleeds. Once she is exposed the wound can be properly attended. It will require the entire team to treat this old wound. Looking on this seems anything but controlled.

The crash that’s coming will be horrifing and glorious. I see the phoenix crashing dead and from the flames of it’s destruction new life is born. A new begining for Michelle. It’s of course dangerous and that’s why she remains in the hospital. That’s why this team has elected to keep her here.

Once they begin rebuilding her and giving her the real tools she needs to survive this and live, truly live. She has existed for so long but her joy is always fleeting and always stained with memories. They hope to build her up and give her the tools to temper these dark memories and to live with hope and remember joy without the baggage of her past.

She’s violent right now. Screaming, cursing at people. Pushing away even those who lvoe her. But it’s normal because her OCD is breaking down and she is strugling to control her environment. As she loses the struggle she will at some point reach for help. That’s when the safety net springs and those she pushed away will show her just how close we remained. Close enough to catch her before the crash.

She just has to reach out. it has to be her choice to drop the control and ask for help. Only then will she accept the help without conditions.

(3) I laod sixteen tons and only get a day older

My job back home let me go.

I guess even as per diem I have to show up once in a while. I have however gotten a job here as an ER nurse. It’s part time and per diem as well. It’s not truama and not everything I want. But it will do just fine. It will probably only be 15-20 hours per week. But it will help get my mind off things.

A welcome distraction in the whole mix. My first day was yesterday Aug. 4th. Pretty uneventful really and Hawaii doesn’t seem to have many real emergencies.

So I lose one job and get a new one. Not bad for a days work eh?

Michelles job.

They have placed her on disability leave indeffinately. I guess she may not have a job either now. She will have 60% of her income when she gets out. The house is paid off so she should have most of that sitting and waiting. I know her bosses love her so maybe they will hire her back. If not it sounds like a perfect time to work for my dad and return to college.

(4) Money talks

My dad of course is still helping me. Sometimes I feel like a mooch. He tells me if money is a way he can show his love then I can have it all. I know he has enough and this isn’t hurting him financially. Maybe it’s just a pride thing. It feels wrong taking his money but without it I couldn’t stay here with Michelle.

(5) Friends and family


Josef has transfered to high school here in Hawaii. He already made a few friends and will adjust fine. The school will be flexable with his time so he can maximize his time with his mother and still complete his core subjects. His work load will be remarkably light this year even though all his classes are college prep and advanced placement studies.

Despite the turmoil here Josef scored a 2010 on the SATs. Color me impressed!

Daddy Styles

Daddy Styles is hurt right now because his daughter is in so much pain. She won’t let him hug her or comfort her. she yelled at him that she hated him for ever having her. She is torn at this time weather this is the right course. I think his own pain isn’t letting him see just how this will help.

He is a great father and se doesn’t mean it but he isn’t hearing it right now. probably because when your child tells you they hate you, punches and kicks at you and screams until you leave. Yeah that has to be hard. all he wanted to do was give her a hug and tell her he loves her.

I know him and he’d rip his own heart from his chest to make her better.

My dad

My dad has been so fantastic through this whole thing. So has my mom. They have both told Michelle and I how much they love us. How much they want to help and how much they wish they could make it all better. My dad especially had been very good and encouraging. It seems like they only recently accepted Michelle and I and here they are right in her corner. He has been here for Josef and this has brought us closer together.

I see his love now in his hugs. I know he’s given me so many recently and each is warm and loving.

(6) Moving toward enevitable end

We’re preparing for a year here. Perhaps more. It’s going to be a long haul but in the end I can see the pay off. I can see my Michelle with the twinkle in her smile and the brightness returned to her eyes.

It’s hard sometimes but I have to believe this is working toward the well being of the woman I love with all my heart. I will write more in the coming days about Michelle and this whole plan for her. They have abandoned any time line for now but i can see the plan as plain as the nose on my face. I see it working and unfolding.



In Mourning: The Neighborhood Remembers One of its Own

Most will never know the pain and heart break of loving a victim of horrible abuse. The abuse never seems to end, they have no peace and the ups and downs are all scary.

I have loved such a victim. My Michelle has suffered and recently tried to end her own life. I can’t describe to you the pain of looking into the eyes of one you love and seeing they have given up.

When I see Michelle now I see a woman who if left to her own would try again and again until she got her wish. I see the depth of her darkness in her eyes and I see she wants to die. I have to look at it as the pain is doing this because it hurts too much to think she has given up on our love.

I’m at a lose of my own. I pray for Heathers family that they find peace. I will share with them words Michelle used when talking to her doctors. “I made a rational decisions for an irrational condition of life.” She was in so much pain and couldn’t turn it off. She saw no way out.

There is little peace for the family who is left behind if they succeed or fail for the family there is nothing but questions. What did I miss? What could I have done? Did she try reaching out to me? Why didn’t she reach out to me?

I don’t have these answers but I know Michelle is a fighter a real champion. She has helped many girls who were victims of violent rape. She has helped kids thinking about suicide. I am lost to see why she couldn’t see her own advice about life being precious.

Now I’m stuck in Hawaii a place of beauty that we used to love. For me now, I see only pain in this paradise. Questions for which no answers will satisfy my mind. A place of deep beauty and now deeper sorrow.

I wish it was easier but it never gets easier. Watching them struggle, suffer and pretend everything is ok. Is almost as hard as watching them give up and want to die.

I swear I shouldn’t have any tears left. My body should be empty of all liquids by now. My heart feels as though she has died because that is all I see in her eyes now. Suicide is a very real subject and most people aren’t aware rape victims are twelve times more likely to try than the average person.

Heather thank you for sharing your words, blessings and prayers to her family. I do know your pain. I know what it feels like and I’m sad knowing another loved one suffers this way. Deeply saddened by your pain and lose.


I guess it’s really this simple

I read on a blog today: 

Allah is the mountain above the mountain, and it is He who entertains the idea — or not — of our next hour on the earth.

This is why Afghans are reluctant to bet on tomorrow. Tomorrow is not ours to presume upon. Tomorrow is the pleasure of Allah alone.

Muslims never hope or dream for tomorrow because Allah tells them not to. As a Christian I am told to hope and believe in tomorrow. Because to me tomorrow is a promise from my lord and savior Yah’Shua (Jesus Christ). 

It would be sad to go through each day with no Hope and no Dreams of tomorrow. For me and for Christians and Jews world wide tomorrow isn’t just a concept it’s a bright promise. In this life or the next I will always know tomorrow.

Because of my faith I know the sun will always rise on a new day forever and ever Amen.

One more distinction between Yahweh and Allah (A dream, a hope and a promise of tomorrow)

Michelle’s dream realized.

To quote Thumper from Bambi: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Michelle has worked hard for this and I know there are “friends” who look for anyway they can to back hand her. Not very good “friends” if you ask me. You know the same friends who still live in high school days and to feel good about themselves they put the actual smart kids down. Yeah those need not reply.

Now onto the big news!

Michelle was born deaf and has pushed herself hard for this. Since getting her implants she has learned to play the guitar, speak, sing, pitch, tempo, everything in a year. Hell six months ago she still couldn’t speak enough answer her son. Today she showed her family, her high school town, friends and the world her new voice. Today I share it with you.

Again like it, whatever but be nice or get bent because unlike nice, kind hearted Michelle I won’t deal with your SHIT. You couldn’t do as well as she has in a million years. If you were born deaf you wouldn’t be half the person she is.

She is an incredible person with a huge heart. She is the smartest person I know and she is kind as well. Those qualities alone make her special. Add her caring heart and giving nature and she has all those who would put her down beat as a person and a human being in every way.

She wasn’t born with a silver spoon. She has fought tooth and nail for every inch of what she has. She is beautiful inside and out.

She reads and writes 4 languages, graduated college with a degree in Information Technologies. She works for a large retailer managing the Information Technologies Security and Disaster Recovery team. She signs and is now learning to speak, play guitar and sing. She is a writer, a musician, a song writer and I bet not many of you are “considering” a deal to write a book about YOUR life.

That’s right Michelle is considering an offer to publish her book which she is toying with. If she does she is thinking about naming it naming “My Voice”. I might have jumped the gun with this news but I love this gal and I am so proud of her.

Love you babe you did GREAT! A true Christmas miracle tonight! No one else could do the things you do and make it look so dam easy! You are truly the most incredible person I know.

All my love forever, Sarah