Most will never know the pain and heart break of loving a victim of horrible abuse. The abuse never seems to end, they have no peace and the ups and downs are all scary.

I have loved such a victim. My Michelle has suffered and recently tried to end her own life. I can’t describe to you the pain of looking into the eyes of one you love and seeing they have given up.

When I see Michelle now I see a woman who if left to her own would try again and again until she got her wish. I see the depth of her darkness in her eyes and I see she wants to die. I have to look at it as the pain is doing this because it hurts too much to think she has given up on our love.

I’m at a lose of my own. I pray for Heathers family that they find peace. I will share with them words Michelle used when talking to her doctors. “I made a rational decisions for an irrational condition of life.” She was in so much pain and couldn’t turn it off. She saw no way out.

There is little peace for the family who is left behind if they succeed or fail for the family there is nothing but questions. What did I miss? What could I have done? Did she try reaching out to me? Why didn’t she reach out to me?

I don’t have these answers but I know Michelle is a fighter a real champion. She has helped many girls who were victims of violent rape. She has helped kids thinking about suicide. I am lost to see why she couldn’t see her own advice about life being precious.

Now I’m stuck in Hawaii a place of beauty that we used to love. For me now, I see only pain in this paradise. Questions for which no answers will satisfy my mind. A place of deep beauty and now deeper sorrow.

I wish it was easier but it never gets easier. Watching them struggle, suffer and pretend everything is ok. Is almost as hard as watching them give up and want to die.

I swear I shouldn’t have any tears left. My body should be empty of all liquids by now. My heart feels as though she has died because that is all I see in her eyes now. Suicide is a very real subject and most people aren’t aware rape victims are twelve times more likely to try than the average person.

Heather thank you for sharing your words, blessings and prayers to her family. I do know your pain. I know what it feels like and I’m sad knowing another loved one suffers this way. Deeply saddened by your pain and lose.